Solitude, tom walsh

In my life, solitude has been an extremely valuable asset, though for many years I saw it as a curse.  I simply didn’t want to be alone, and I wanted to be with other people.  My very nature, though, was geared towards solitude, for I never really enjoyed many of the things that other people do to avoid being alone; especially difficult for me was the way that alcohol was so often a major part of most “social” gatherings.  Having grown up in a family with an alcoholic parent, I simply didn’t want to be around people who were drinking.

There are many things that we can do when we’re alone that we simply can’t do when we’re with other people.  In solitude, we have time for more reading, more reflection, more walks alone, more hiking and camping in places that other people probably wouldn’t want to go.  Yes, it is great to share experiences, and the company of our fellow human beings can be one of the most important elements of life, but it’s also important that we accept our solitude when we’ve been gifted with it and use it to fulfill some of our deep needs that can’t be filled when we’re in groups or even part of a couple.

Some people view other people’s solitude as selfishness, as Sarah points out below.  But just as rest and relaxation are necessary to keep ourselves strong and able to deal with our lives, solitude can provide us with a spiritual and emotional rejuvenation that can make us stronger and more resilient in the face of life’s challenges.

Not all of us can find the means to spend two weeks alone whenever we feel like it, of course, but solitude doesn’t necessarily need to be extravagant or extreme.  Sometimes it’s as simple as going into another room with a book and closing the door behind us.  Sometimes, the long walk in the morning can be a balm that soothes our nerves and allows us to ponder life and consider the challenges we’re facing.

For me, the solitude is a beautiful experience in itself, but it also helps to strengthen other experiences.  Just as the best meals I’ve ever had have come after times of having very little to eat, some of the best times I’ve spent with others have come after time that I’ve spent alone.  When I’ve spent time in solitude, I tend to listen more when I’m with others, and I tend to appreciate their presence more.  I don’t feel a need to talk as much, and I’m able to just be with the other people without having any expectations or preconceived ideas of how people should act or what they should say.  And I know, when this happens, that it’s one of the many benefits of having spent time alone and learning even more how to value myself and be comfortable with myself just as I am.

Why does our society value keeping people in groups as much as possible?  In part, it’s because when we’re in groups, we spend more money.  But also, being with other people helps us to deal with many of our fears of being alone in life, our fears that we’re somehow not good enough, somehow rejected by our fellow human beings.  Many years ago, Blaise Pascal said that all of our miseries result from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone, which implies that we do not feel comfortable being alone with our own thoughts.

Being with a group–or even with just one other person–means that we never have to experience our thoughts as deeply as we can, or as fully as we can.  Our thoughts frighten us, because when we do sit alone in a quiet room, we sometimes find ourselves thinking things that we don’t necessarily want to think–but that we need to think if we’re ever going to work our ways past the fears and insecurities that those thoughts imply.  Being alone allows us time to work our ways through our thoughts and feelings, and we can come out of our aloneness with a new resolve, with a new sense of strength that can come only from knowing ourselves a bit better and feeling more confident of what we want and our ability to fulfill our own wishes.

Solitude is within our reach almost all the time.  Of course, I’m not going to find a lot of solitude when I’m in my classroom with 25 students, or if I’m working in a store serving customers constantly.  But if we consciously search out the moments of solitude that can help to rejuvenate us–those few minutes that we can spend completely with ourselves and our own thoughts–then we can use solitude to make our lives richer and fuller.  And even in the crowds, according to Emerson, solitude is within our reach:  the great person, he says, is the one “who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”  It’s a matter of perspective, and a matter of effort, but the solitude we crave and need is always available to us.

Just when does solitude turn into loneliness?  In my life, “solitude” has always been a positive word, while “loneliness” has been a word that has described some of the most painful feelings I’ve ever felt.  I can’t begin to count the number of days that loneliness and a sense of isolation have developed into severe depression, and to be honest, I don’t want to count them or even think about them much.  They’re in the past now, and I sincerely hope that they’re not a part of my future.  I can’t know this, but I certainly can hope.

Solitude signifies being on one’s own with one’s own thoughts.  For many people, this is a healthy, desirable state in which to be–it’s relaxing, refreshing, rejuvenating.  It allows us to check our perspective, to practice introspection so that we may clarify ideas and thoughts.  Being on our own, away from the input of other people’s ideas, gives us the opportunity to come into closer contact with who we are, with our sense of morals, with our character, with our goals and hopes and desires.  We’re away from peer pressure, from job pressures, from social obligations, and we can use that time to experience some of the quiet that’s missing so often in our daily routines.

In a way, solitude helps us from becoming addicted to other people, or to break the addictions to others that we have.  

How can we be addicted toother people?  When we use being with others as an excuse not to be with ourselves, then we’re addicted to others.  When we can’t spend a moment alone without the television set or radio blaring, then we’re addicted to being with others.

An addiction is something that we do or use to avoid dealing with problems or insecurities–the alcoholic doesn’t love alcohol as much as he or she wants to avoid dealing with personal issues.  The drug addict is doing the same thing.  Both of them will tell you that they do it for the “high,” but the fact is that the high wears off pretty quickly, and the more one drinks or does drugs, the less of a high there is.

Being with other people keeps our minds on other things–we can talk about sports or television or the weather, all the trivial things that fill our lives day to day, without even thinking about the problems we have.  This is why so many people need therapists later in life–because they’ve spent their youthful years avoiding contemplation and solitude.  They’ve never been able to come to grips with who and what they are, to accept themselves and to set up challenges for themselves.

Some people search out solitude without even thinking that they need to do so–it’s an innate urge with them, something that they do as a matter of course, without even thinking about the psychological benefits of being alone.  These people are very fortunate, for they help themselves in a very important way on a regular basis.

Other people are given solitude involuntarily–with me it came from my insecurities and my inability to fit in with others.  For me, solitude was very often loneliness, and very often painful.  But I know now that I made it painful because of my perspective, and I regret losing so many opportunities that being on my own opened up to me–I’ll never be able to get them back.

Find or make time for yourself to be with yourself.  Spend time thinking about who you are and who you want to be.  Examine your strengths and focus on possibilities.  Find the friend inside who has accomplished a lot, and learn to love yourself on your own terms.  If you can do this, you’ve taken a very important step towards being able to help others to learn about themselves and to be more content with life.